Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner
by Mistress of Crucio
Summary: Somebody with strong mojo turned the Impala into a real boy. What are Dean and the gang going to do? What is Dean going to drive? Just for fun, not really meant to be a serious thing.
1. Don't You Know Who I Think I Am?

Rowena was a bitch on wheels when she got a bug up her ass to make trouble. Since Crowley had first shown up with the Colt so many years ago they had never had a more _on again/off again, 'I love you/I hate you and I'll kill everyone you know and love'_ type of ally… frienemy… than the red-headed witch was turning out to be. It was clear where Crowley had gotten it from; like mother, like son, and there was no denying the family resemblance in the 'making life harder for the Winchester's' department.

The day before had been a long one, so long that Dean wanted to do nothing but sleep and forget everything that had happened, that half of a town in Kansas would probably be questioning their sanity and the existence of dragons for the next year, and try to move forward from it all. Not to mention the library and bakery that had burned down. _A library and a bakery_. There was no way that was random.

Bitch.

His bed in the bunker looked warm and inviting, and Dean hadn't even bothered kicking off his boots before he fell onto it face first and passed out. The nine a.m. alarm he set on his phone months ago went off, getting progressively louder each time it went off. The first time drew not much more than a 'huh' from a drooling Dean. The second, five minutes later, got a twitch out of him and his hands covering his head as he mutter-growled something that sounded like 'Piss off Sam'. The third alarm, the most obnoxious of the three, sounded like a submarine dive alarm and had Dean bolting upright in bed, suddenly fully awake and hitting random buttons on the phone to shut it up.

"Son of a bitch stop." Bleary eyes looked down at the screen, inking several times to clear his vision. "Fuuuck, 9:17."

That was A.M. Morning. Goddamnit. He'd only been in bed for what, two hours? Maybe three? Dean checked for any missed calls and finding none flopped backward on his bed. Almost right away an alarm started to go off again but he quickly silenced it and threw the phone somewhere on the bed above him.

He was totally awake now.

Mostly awake.

After a quick shower and donning a black t-shirt, a button-up blue shirt and a blue flannel over his always just tight enough jeans, Dean was ready to go to the kitchen. On his way, he popped his head into Sam's darkened room with a cheery remark on his lips only to have a pillow thrown at his head as soon as the light from the hallway hit his brothers face. "Fine. More bacon for me."

Whistling as he entered the kitchen, his mood remarkably bright after a long, hot shower, a quick look in the fridge brought Dean's whistling to a stop. Only one beer and a pizza box that he grabbed and flipped ope that made him wonder when the last time they had pizza was. Last week? Last month? During the most recent ending of the world? Totally smelled questionable, but then again Sam's pizza toppings always smelled questionable, and that green thing looked suspiciously like spinach. At least that was what Dean told himself.

Maybe breakfast from the diner up the road was a good idea.

Dark clouds were gathering in the sky above the bunker signaling that rain was a likely thing in the really near future, and Dean hoped that would keep the crazies in today, leave their evil plotting on the table until tomorrow and he could spend the day in the Dean-cave drinking beer and watching cartoons. He doubted it, but a guy could hope.

"What the fu-"

Dean scratched his head and turned in a circle surveying the entire yard and the grounds beyond it. He _had_ parked right here earlier. He'd left his car _right here where he was standing_. There were even tire marks left behind from where he fishtailed to wake Sam up. There was no way this - did somebody steal his car? Then it dawned on him. Sam.

Sam was pulling one of his not _ever_ funny, twisted pranks on Dean and had moved his car. It didn't escape him that the keys were in his hand and had been in his pocket as he slept. Sam had to be the only explanation though.

"Bitch," Dean flipped on the light and nudged the sleeping form with his foot. Sam's response was to cover his head with a pillow and groan - there might have been a muffled 'what' somewhere at the end of that. "Your prank was shit and fell flat. So tell me where you parked my car and get the fuck up." Dean gave a toothy grin to the hazel eye he saw peeking at him from beneath the pillow. "We're havin' waffles."

Dean swore he could hear Sam's eyes roll. So what? He liked that movie. It was a classic.

Dean noted that Sam was also still dressed as he sat up on the side of his bed, scratching through his hair and yawning, stretching his long body as he stood. "Dude, did you say I moved your car?" Sam was poking through his phone but stopped suddenly and turned to Dean. "Is your car missing?"

"You moved my car. Probably parked it on the roof or something, right?" Dean's voice cracked slightly with panic as he came to grips with what he already knew.

"Uh, no. Pranking you was low on my list of things to do while I was sleeping, Dean."

The look Sam got was incredulous at first, morphing into one of confusion, and then finally anger as Dean hit the door frame with his fist and took off in the direction of the yard. What he was going to do when he got there he didn't know but running outside felt appropriate. Sam grabbed his gun from under his pillow and pocketed it as he took off behind Dean. He didn't know what he was going to do there either, but Dean had backup.

When he got to the yard, Dean was already kicking up a small dust tornado and cursing up a storm. "Are you sure you parked here, Dean? I mean, we were tired when we got here this morning. We could've parked her in the motor pool and -"

"Sam, I was _tired_ , not drunk. I think I would remember if I had parked somewhere else." Dean swiped a hand over his face and whatever else he was going to say was interrupted by a new voice joining them.

"I have to say, donuts are pretty good. Almost as good as that cinnamon roll the waitress gave me while I was waiting for the burgers."

It took the brothers all of three seconds to have their guns drawn and aimed at the guy who had come out of - nowhere.

"Who the hell are you?" Dean looked around him at the grounds surrounding them and saw no one and nothing but the long road and this guy steadily approaching them carrying a box of - donuts in one hand and eating one with the other. How had they not seen him coming?

"Dean. Sam." The guy grinned as he greeted the boys like they were his old friends, and stopped a few feet from them.

Sam and Dean glanced at each other in confusion. Demon? Angel? What the hell? They were outside of the warding of the bunker and out here anything could approach them. But the guy - he did seem familiar to both of them, but more so to Dean. It was _insane_ how much he reminded him of Cas; tousled dark hair, light blue eyes and the prettiest mouth he had ever -

"The guns aren't necessary guys," the newcomer continued, "but I get it. I'm not offended. This is weird for all of us."

"Hey, asshat, I asked you a question. Who _are_ you?" Dean wondered if he looked as confused as he felt.

How did he know them? Crazy fan from that fan convention a few years ago? They could _still_ kick Chuck for that one.

The guy looked at Dean with a small smile and threw him a wink. "You usually call me Baby."

Dean opened his mouth to deny, deny, deny but was again cut off by the asshat.

"I brought you guys breakfast. They didn't have anything healthy, Sam, so I got you both bacon cheeseburgers. Beer's in the backpack, I saw you were nearly out."

Sam and Dean exchanged a _look_ but kept their guns trained on the newcomer. The _sexy_ newcomer. He walked toward Dean without blinking at the guns, and handed the backpack off to him, unzipped it and pulled out a set of keys and tossed them to Sam. "Your weapons store was out in the open, so I put them in the duffel bags and put them in the storage room in the motor pool."

He was inside while they were asleep, didn't trip any of the alarms, and had found the motor pool, which they hadn't found until after months of living there.

Sam thought for a second, looking at the keys and putting things together. "Are you - were you - the Impala?"

"Sam, that's stupid. I mean we've seen some stuff but — no."

"I was the Impala once. Remember, Dean? Gabriel was being a jerk and -" Sam paused for a second and looked back over to the guy who was inspecting Dean's shirt like he was going to wear it, and Dean was letting him, just standing there watching him. "Your voice. That's where I know you from. I though maye I was imagining it, but I heard you while I was - _you_."

"Bingo," Baby reached out and straightened Dean's shirts and pulled them down by the hem. "Now that we have that figured out, can we go -"

"We don't have anything figured out." Dean pulled back a bit and took his shirts with him. They hadn't used the holy water or tried touching him with silver. Nothing like that. Sam had already lowered his gun a bit and was giving Dean and the guy an amused look. "Just because Sam _might_ remember a voice he heard like, eight years ago while he was a car doesn't mean anything." Dean looked over at Sam. "How _did_ you ear the car talking. I mean it was - you were - the car."

"I don't know, Dean. I heard it in my head, or whatever. I just remember hearing him."

Dean sighed deeply and gestured with his gun at Baby."Prove it. Prove tha — you're the human version of my car."

Jesus, their lives were insane. What was that sentence?

Baby just smiled. "Okay. Should I say what you do with your angel in my front seat?"

Sam snickered at that. "I _knew_ it. Gabe owes me. I told him you and Cas weren't _just_ going for 'drives'."

"We do just go for drives. I didn't - we didn't -shut up, Sam. I -"

Amused blue eyes turned to look at Sam. "Or I could say what _you_ do in my backseat with yours." Sam laughed even harder at the look of horror on Dean's face.

Baby continued as though he hadn't heard them. "Or I could - talk about how gassy you both are. Or the time I had vomit in my trunk when Sam decided to take a ride with John. Or that time you took a crowbar to me, Dean. Or the nights we spent beneath the stars and the road trips to nowhere special, and the time when we stopped the world as we know it from ending together. 'Rock of Ages', remember? We were so awesome riding into the cemetery together like that." Baby reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny object that he handed to Dean. "Or I could give you that."

Dean looked down wistfully at the small plastic soldier he held in his hands, and tossed it to Sam just as a fat drop of rain landed on his face. "Rain's coming. Come on, let's go drink those beers - um, Impala."

"Baby. I like it when you call me Baby."


	2. Reinventing The Wheel To Run Myself Over

"Now boys," Rowena scolded in her most posh, gentle voice sounding remarkably clear and near over Sam's cell phone. "If I had decided to pay you back for yesterday you would have both woke up missing something more vital than your precious car." She was almost chipper hearing that something bad had happened to them. Could they really trust her long-winded 'no'?

 _Hell no_.

It was stupid to trust her as far as they could throw her, but - well, sometimes they did. The Winchester's had a death wish, it was widely known. And the word was getting around that they couldn't die and stay dead, either. So, ha. Trusting someone like the witch that freed Lucifer (again) and who birthed the King of Hell was par for the course for them. Also, the same reason they were eating this possibly poisoned or drugged food that this familiar, beautiful stranger had given them.

"No, the car isn't missing, it's - he's a - human. Sitting right here with Dean and me, eating the bacon off of Dean's burger."

Dean took his eyes off of the cell phone that was sitting in the middle of the table and looked over at Baby as he swiped a fry from his white takeout box. "Hey, buddy, _my_ fries," Dean swatted Baby's hand away and pulled his box to the other side of him, getting a wink from Baby for his efforts. This was too weird. Maybe this guy was just nuts, maybe they were barking up the wrong tree trying to figure him out as supernatural happening and they needed to look into more natural things. Like nutso.

They had already splashed him with holy water and the silver spoon he touched didn't affect him, just gave him a prop as he had taken to cutting and eating donuts with it. Speaking of donuts, he tried to dunk one in his beer, but after a few unsuccessful tries had eventually settled on putting a piece on his bottle lip like it was a lime. That wasn't really normal, was it? And it was gross. The soggy ass piece had fallen into the beer after a few sips and was floating where Dean could see it right on top of the golden liquid.

But where was the Impala if they went with the looney toons explanation?

"Your car is a 'he', not a 'she'?" A split second of silence passed as Rowena seemed to let that information sink into Dean's brain. "Have you talked to one of the angels that like to experiment with their powers?" Rowena paused again. "What does 'he' look like?"

To Dean's surprise Sam grabbed his phone off of the table and without a word said to prepare him, Baby turned to Sam, smoldered and blew a kiss to the camera.

"Oof, the handsome angel has some fierce competition now, doesn't he?" Rowena remarked after Sam sent the picture over. "Does he always look like that?"

"Hello, beautiful," Baby was in the process of swiping food from Sam's plate now and talking to Rowena as he cut into the burger with his spoon. "Today yeah, always looked like this today. This morning. Dean's the one who dreamed me up, so compliments to the architect?"

Rowena and Baby chattered on like they were old friends, acting a bit flirty with each other and making plans (seriously? Making plans?) to go out for drinks later tonight. Cas walked in near the middle of their conversation and stared at Baby with a puzzled look as Dean went over to him.

"See what I was talking about now?" Dean was standing nearly shoulder to shoulder with Cas.

Cas just opened his mouth to say something but Baby noticed him before he could utter a word. "Castiel," he greeted with a familiarity that felt unnervingly normal. "Go ahead, touch me. Do your angel thing."

Cas had no objections, that was why Dean had called him over after all. He squinted his eyes a bit and looked closer at Baby from his new vantage point, then laid his hands on him, forehead and heart. Baby jolted from the sudden surge of power but Cas was holding him still.

It was like watching a movie in fast forward, Cas saw everything from the beginning; the bible salesman and the short distances he traveled, John Winchester and the many years he had her, the rainy night that Dean was conceived in the back seat, Sam and Dean as children, the many hunts father and son went on together, the day that John turned the keys over to Dean. Dean hunting alone, the night that Sam and Dean started hunting together. Sam hunting alone. Love made in the back seat or the front seat, or even the few times it was done on the hood.

The crashes, the rebuilds, the blood and weapons and - Crowley tied up in the trunk? What? Cas pulled away then and continued to feel around Baby, frowning as his hands moved. The majority of what he saw was memories of the hunters. Things that only - well, only Baby would know. There was no human life before what he assumed to be today.

"I don't see anything human about him before today. The things I saw were memories of you and Sam and things you've done in or near the car. But a witch didn't touch this, they aren't powerful enough for one, and two - I just don't feel that from him at all."

Sam had ended the call with Rowena and was listening to them with his arms folded across his chest. "So you can't tell anything from him that he hasn't told us already?"

Cas just shrugged helplessly and touched Baby's head again. "He woke up like that this morning, he's just as confused about it as we are. He has your wallet, Sam. You paid for lunch." Cas abruptly jerked his hand away from Baby as though he'd been shocked. "No," he said firmly, looking down at Baby, who was grinning up at him.

"Wait, what happened?" Cas waved Dean off and clutched his trench coat a little tighter around him as he walked over to the safe space of a protective and extremely perplexed Dean. Neither the angel nor the Impala were going to share what silent exchange had just happened between them, but Cas' deep crimson blush and Baby's deep chuckle spoke volumes.

"Have you talked to Gabriel? You mentioned earlier that he's done something like this before, he might be reliving his past hits. You remember Sammy - what did we call you?"

"The Sampala." Dean sputtered and started giggling at that, his hand slapped against Cas' shoulder to balance himself. Yeah, he remembered, okay? It was _so_ funny watching Sam's bitch-face take shape when he said it though. Dean's laughter was contagious, Baby's shoulders were shaking with silent laughter and even Cas was trying to suppress a smile, a feat in and of itself; Cas never laughed at _anything_.

Sam was the only one in the room who wasn't smiling which made it even funnier, but the joke was at his expense so - understandable. "Woo," Dean's voice was still colored by his bout of laughter still he tried to move on to something more serious before he started laughing again at the hole Sam was trying to glare into his head from across the room.

"What were we saying?" Sam ignored them all and continued. "It's not Gabe. He promised he wasn't going to do any of these kinds of things to us anymore when we got together and I'm pretty sure he was -". Sam stopped himself. Was Gabriel _ever_ serious about anything? He was going to check anyway.

"Yeah, call him anyway." Dean echoed his thoughts as he crossed back to the table to eat his cold fries and burger, but when he opened the box they were in the only thing inside was a ring where the ketchup had been. "Dude," he said, gesturing to his plate and looking at Baby.

* * *

Dean was standing with either hand braced on the wall next to Castiel's head, effectively trapping the angel between them, and the trapped angel didn't look unhappy to have been caught there. They were mostly staring at each other, every now and again one of them would try to break the other and bump noses together, give butterfly kisses with their long lashes or ghost their tongue just short of touching the other's lips.

It was a game they liked to play at times, to see who would break first and who would be in control that night. So far? Cas was winning. Dean had come so close to breaking and kissing him, he saw the lips part and heard his hunter's ragged breath and Cas knew he was close, so close.

Cas knew he couldn't take the warm breath or the biting of his lips for very long, all it would take was just a soft, needy whisper of his name. "Dean," Cas' words were barely a breath against Dean's mouth and he was done for. Dean came all the way in and captured Cas' lips, their groans mingled at the swift contact and Cas wrapped his arms around Dean's waist, pulling him flush against his body.

The hunter and his angel were so wrapped up in each other that when the door opened and Sam came in neither of them heard it, and Sam even tried to back out and leave but things happened so fast. Dean quickly untangled himself and parted from the Cas, scratching his hand over the back of his head while he walked completely to the far side of the room.

Sam looked over at Cas who stood breathless and lips parted still trying to gather himself against the loss of the hot press of Dean, who was better at stepping away from that situation than Cas was. "What is it, Sam," Dean said, not asked, from across the bedroom as Cas slipped past Sam and out the door.

There. Sam couldn't help but feel a tiny bit of satisfaction. That was what they got for laughing at him earlier. The barging in part, not the 'no homo' vibe his brother was spraying around the room now.

"Dean, what's the big deal? You like Cas, Cas likes you. It's - nobody cares. His brother is in my room _right now_ trying to come up with something that'll convince me to wear these fishnet stockings and crotchless -"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Dean held up his hands and stopped Sam from talking. "TMI Sammy. I don't need all that info about your sex life. Or Gabe's sex life." He gave a small shudder to make his point. "What did you want?"

"Are we using cars from the motor pool or what? We still have to drive and all, and with - Baby being human now we can't really drive him. I don't think he would object much to giving you a ride, though."

Dean smiled sarcastically. Sam had jokes. "Yeah, well the only way I'm ever riding Baby is when he's my Impala again." No, wait. That didn't sound right either. Did it? When he was the car again he would - crap. It didn't matter. "Anyway, no. I haven't had a chance to check under the hoods of any of them so we're not risking it until I do. Cas brought his car. We can use that in the meantime." Dean saw Sam raise his eyebrow in question or in protest and he let out a breathy laugh.

"Wait. I was in here talking to Cas, and you were in your room - doing God knows what with Gabriel, so where's Baby?" This was a fully grown man, maybe not exactly an emotional adult but the force was strong with his five o'clock shadow and he needed a grown-up name - Dean felt stupid calling him Baby.

"-when Jack came home." Sam finished but Dean hadn't heard the first part of what he'd said.

"Jack what? Baby is with Jack? Tell me he's not with Jack."

Of course, Sam didn't see a problem with that. Jack was another one whose body didn't match his actual age though, and he really didn't need the two of them together or Baby teaching Jack about sex.

Thankfully though, when Dean and Sam made it Jack's room, Jack and Baby were seated on his bed playing a rousing hand of 'Go Fish'. Daddy Cas was observing the boys from a chair in the corner, and Dean definitely saw him smirk and mouth the words 'I won' to him and fuck if it didn't send a shiver down his spine.

* * *

It was nearly eight o'clock and the damn sun was still out; setting to be sure, but still out enough that it felt like it was earlier. The entire group stood outside waiting for Cas to drive the car up from the road where he had parked it earlier. They were all glad that the sky had been overcast that day and kept it from getting overly hot, but the humidity was awful and made Sam's hair droop enough that he let go of Gabe and was putting it in a messy ponytail while the archangel, standing on the curb, nipped at his jaw.

Gabriel was in the midst of whispering to Sam all of the dirty things they could do in the bunker alone, trying to convince him to stay in tonight, but he was distracted when the car pulled up in front of them and stopped, the hydraulics shifting it up and then down to a rest. After he saw that he couldn't help the sarcastic wolf whistle when Cas got out and tossed the keys to Dean.

"Where'd you get this beauty, Huggy Bear?" Gabriel had his phone out and snapped a quick picture.

"Who is Huggy Bear?" Cas looked thoughtful and turned his eyes to Dean trying to remember where he heard that name before. "It sounds familiar. Is he a pimp?"

Dean meant to answer him, he really meant to, but he saw something in his peripheral vision that made him halt and stomp over to Jack and Baby. "Hey, hey, _hey_ ," he said gruffly. Baby was standing behind Jack with his chin propped on his shoulder and his hands in Jack's jean pockets. It escaped his attention that the pair were watching a video together on Jack's phone and shocked when Dean rushed at them. Even Dean didn't understand. Was it that he felt protective of Jack or of Baby? Or of them both?

"Just get in the car," Dean hushed Jack's questions and confusion and opened the passenger door for them, putting a hand on Baby's chest to stop him. "Ride in the front with me and Cas. Sammy and Gabe in the back with Jack. It's just a few miles. We'll get some dinner first and then head to the bar. Everybody'll be okay until we get there."


End file.
